It’s 3AM. I’m super duper sober. I could sleep but I don’t really want to. For various reasons actually. I decided that I’d post once a week on this blog over the break. So that’s on my mind. And I just watched Hang the DJ (Black Mirror, Season 4, off a Netflix account that isn’t mine but is hogged as if it were) and my heart kind of hurts a little bit. And I’m resisting the urge to talk to someone I really shouldn’t, so I’m writing instead. And I’m having memory spasms from a great huge ongoing vat of embarrassing memories, courtesy the part of my brain spoon that swirls vats late at night. And I wonder how much sharing is oversharing. Did you know that I have a note on my phone that I started second semester senior year of high school that’s now 25,000 words long? Do you wanna know some of the things I wrote on this note?
“I wouldn’t eat my brother so I shouldn’t eat baby lamb, or meat “ – me, a non-vegetarian, still
“Men are made of cotton”
“I’m 19 and I FEEL OLD”
“There was a really cute guy I just drove past”
“My dads friend from the ping pong club ripped his ear off in a car accident”
“My favorite words: Sherpa Boondoggle Mosey”
And, most recently, this:
“College doesn’t seem so far from normal life sometimes like I can zoom out and see it as a blip in my entire life. And my main concerns mostly revolve around not freaking out while waiting for a fitting room at Urban Outfitters, wondering why I have to have things to feel tethered to the world. It doesn’t seem so terrible to be flung out of space and naked.” – inspired from Cate Blanchett in Carol (who is obviously a million times more sultry and convincing, and makes me wanna eat her which would then make me completely un-vegetarian, once and for all, so we don’t have to pretend), written right in line at Urban Outfitters, the thing that I guess makes this post college-relevant but not really.
I think I make it way too obvious that I’m a 19 year old girl living in a suburban world (get it, haha), but being back home, just knowing what home is to all the people who aren’t me, and walking around all the places that play out in tableaus and, you know, further exacerbate the memory vat, is very pro my life-as-movie argument and for the most part, I’m the self-aware (air quotes), self-conscious (not air quotes) main character in it, unless Anna’s around, in which case, Anna’s the main character and I watch. And I write it down too, it turns out.
But yeah, I really don’t have that much to say. I feel like I can see the past and present and future through this tiny window of internet attention, or it kind of unlocks a keyhole of aesthetic cohesion in my brain. Like the Petra Collins book Claire got me for Christmas, it’s all a story that can start making more sense than it did because you get to see the art and touch it and, if you didn’t make it, wonder what it was like to make something so beautiful, or messy, or soft and scary (if you’re Petra Collins). I really do love Petra. And Tavi. And all the women of Instagram even if it, as an activity, is completely vapid like, all of the time (it’s like reality TV drugs!! like Black Mirror!!). I get to interact and see a bit of someone else’s brain art (and mine, even, things feel so different once they’ve left my own noodle puddle simulation (again, Black Mirror) and into the world), and that’s what makes writing late late late in the night and just publishing it un proof read seem dumb and okay at the same time.
I hope this was somewhat entertaining to read. I feel like I learned something. The world would be unaffected if this went unpublished, but whatever. I’m loose with the words. Re: a thought I had while in college, therefore a post that pertains to the college experience. A live-captured document of what actual teenage confusion feels like. How’s that for unfiltered content. It’s 4AM now. If you’re on the East Coast and the type of person to go on morning runs, it’s 7AM and this post is in lieu of that morning shower, since I don’t approve of those. You’re welcome.
If you like Petra Collins, or Freaks and Geeks, lmk, hmu, I wanna make an internet friend since I definitely sat out on the Tumblr era, and my hair is completely un-dyed and boring and normal as of a week ago so there’s nothing that exciting other than old TV shows that make me mushy happy, and my obsessions with various people my age who are and aren’t internet famous. My favorite is Bill.